“In fact, I’m shifting the taboo onto myself ”

In 2017, I sensed that my father was hiding his illness from us. Every week, I would prepare a meal for my parents and go over to eat with them. My mom’s fingers were riddled with arthritis. For a year, we asked the CLSC for help with my father’s personal care, but it never came. The situation was resolved when he passed away.

While my dad didn’t have any mental health issues as such, my mom started having hallucinations during the pandemic. I had to manage the situation over the phone with the nurses and the doctor at the assisted living facility. I couldn’t visit her for a year during the pandemic. The doctor adjusted her medication to stop the hallucinations. After that, things got better.

Yes, I called my mom every day. It was difficult because I never knew if she was okay or not. She sometimes fell. In the summer of 2020, there was a brief respite from the pandemic. I was the only one allowed to visit her and accompany her to her medical appointments and vaccinations.

Just as I decided to leave for two weeks of rest at the cottage, my mother told me she no longer felt able to live alone if no one visited her. So I found an intermediate resource. No sooner had I arrived than she was subjected to another lockdown. After that, she felt better and looked beautiful in her assisted living facility in Plateau-Mont-Royal. In late August, she took a fall… And they discovered a stomach illness. At 91, she didn’t want aggressive treatment. She passed away in December. She was still mentally sharp.

A caregiver I knew became depressed after losing her job. She didn’t want to eat and didn’t know what to do with her life. I would go out with her sometimes. Luckily, she had her little dog. This went on for five or six months. I suggested she contact the non-profit organization Renaissance to socialize a little. It’s not well known, but this organization helps people with mental health issues a lot. They provide close psychosocial follow-up. I still care for her today.

These people suffer from anxiety, hypersensitivity, depression, and bipolar disorder.

In addition to the person I just mentioned, I also care for my daughters, who mainly suffer from anxiety. I cared for a friend who passed away a few weeks ago, and I also supported her husband. I helped my brother-in-law, who died in 2024, who had Lewy body disease with a predominance of Parkinson’s.

That’s a difficult question. I feel like it comes naturally to me! I love the people I care for, I can’t just leave them alone… You know, I’ve always worked in the social services field. If someone isn’t doing well, it’s normal for me to offer my help.

I went to see my friend two days before she died. I talked to her, even though she was in a coma. It’s guilt that makes me do that… I want to feel that I’ve done everything I can to avoid feeling guilty about anything.

Earlier, I told you about someone close to me who has depression. This person is very close to me. I don’t want to identify her because I don’t want people to judge her. At the same time, I am able to talk about her with you and discuss her mental health issues with my friends, who know exactly who she is.

In fact, I’m shifting the taboo onto myselfby making sure I don’t name the person with a particular mental health issue, so they don’t feel like they have been labelled.

Not really! Things fall into place without me having to choose. Of course, my children had anxiety attacks while my mother was in the hospital. I support my daughters by listening to them.

I’m there to listen to them and find solutions with them. They have all the tools they need and are in contact with people they can talk to. Listening, so that the person can verbalize what they are going through in the moment, is a big help and a relief.

During the pandemic, it was difficult because I was still working. I focussed on my work during the day and helped out the rest of the time.

Today, I’m retired and I love it! I garden and paint with watercolours, I see my friends, I go to museums, I do the accounting and keep track of our home renovation… I’m very busy! Oh yes, I write in journals to “settle down” and clear my head. And my daughter and I are decluttering the house. We’ve accumulated so many things!

The person I don’t want to identify, whom I mentioned earlier, asked for help from the Centre de crise Résolution. So that I wouldn’t “go down with her,” the organization advised me to contact Arborescence (formerly AQPAMM) for guidance and tools related to caregiving.

Arnaud was my counselor, and it’s crazy what I discovered about myself! He listened to me and repeated back what I said, helping me realize things like the fact that I’ve always cared for people and been very helpful, even when I was much younger. Those 10 individual counselling sessions did me so much good! I let it all out. I cried. Above all, I discovered myself and had some real revelations.

Arborescence is the support resource that works best for me. After the initial meetings, I regularly attended information sessions to understand mental health mechanisms and help me see things more clearly. When a workshop is about parents who are caregivers for children with mental health issues, it helps me in my relationship with one of my daughters, with whom I have more difficulty communicating. She is hypersensitive and anxious; I get along well with her, but sometimes it’s like walking on eggshells.

I also sign up for various workshops just for myself, because I know that you have to keep helping yourself; otherwise you risk spiralling downward without even realizing it. There are also workshops for children who are caregivers for their elderly parents, for caregivers living with friends, and for caregivers of spouses. From that point of view, everything is fine for me; I’ve been with my husband for 36 years!

I have never stopped going to Arborescence, even though I have fewer needs now. I do art therapy and attend the annual general meeting. When Arborescence asks me to share my story, for example through videoconferencing, I am happy to do so: it’s my way of contributing.

To help other people who have questions about caregiving and the people they are helping. To perhaps inspire caregivers who are not using any resources, who are struggling and don’t know what to do. To “spread the word” that there are resources available for caregivers. If I hadn’t known about Arborescence, would I have had the energy to do all this?

I would tell them not to forget about themselves. It’s important to take care of yourself if you want to be able to take care of others. The main resource is yourself, and it’s not selfish to say so.

My daughters tell me, “Mom, everything you’ve done, everything you’ve been through, it’s incredible!” I’m very resilient, and I didn’t know that. I say that without false modesty. I’ve been through so much, illness, death… I talk about it and I get a lump in my throat.

All of that makes me want to enjoy life even more. To live as long as possible with a healthy mind. To exercise. To take care of myself. And I’m doing that more and more!

You need to surround yourself with a good support network. I’ve realized that if I don’t surround myself with people of all ages, I’ll end up alone. I take care of myself because one day, someone may have to take care of my mental health. My priority is to have a good relationship with the people I care for. My daughters, my husband, my family, my friends—they’re all my support system. I feel balanced. I have my moments of solitude, but also moments when I need to see people, share, laugh and cry together. I’m learning to be true to myself; caregiving isn’t about playing a role.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. I say that caring for people with mental health issues also takes a village!

• Arborescence
• Caregivers: a multitude of journeys
• Being a parent caregiver
• Staying at home, moving to a residence
• Mental health and mental disorders
• Find resources

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